The amazing thing about a song is that when I listen to it, it would sometimes feel like watching a movie about my memories (of what I used to feel while listening to it) broadcasted in my brain. It is like a reminder of what I’ve been through.
Around 2012, I remember I had one particular song that I was really afraid to listen to. For some people, hearing that song was very calming but for me it was more like a reminder of my loneliness.
All the melody of that song made my heart feel so lonely and empty. It made me really wanted to understand how it feels like to be beside him. It is as though I would like to give everything I have right then just to know how it feels like to hold his hand, feel the warmth of his chest, look into his eyes, or maybe just to listen to his voice. An hour like that is ok, or even just 4–5 minutes until that song ends.
Then I realized how impossible that was. I would blame God for the hopeless feeling I have for someone who doesn’t even think of me.
Then I would sink into emptiness, deeper and deeper like the sun sinking to darkness in the horizon.
I would cry for that same reason over and over again, thinking how I could fall into the same hole. That night, all my hard work in building myself again would just disappear. The story had ended 3 years at that time. I have tried to build my heart since then, only to crumble because of that song.
A song that I didn’t even know the title.
And ever since, I would never hear that song again. I thought I would never be strong enough to faking what I feel if I listen to its melody. Nevertheless, I never told anyone else about this fragile period of mine. Every time I hear that song, I would just walk away. I still don’t have the courage to face the emptiness.
As time goes by…
Life created its own story. Out of my hope and imagination.
I met him again.
Now, I listen to that song knowing the title and feeling the warmth of his chest. The emptiness I felt created by that song has found its own peace. Now, every time I hear that song, all I could remember is the warmth of his cuddle.