Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

I Don’t Know Where to Start…

A book of my mind
3 min readOct 15, 2020


I was sitting on the rock in the beach at night, listening to the sound of waves and watching the light dancing on the island in front of me. Just me.. alone.

I remember the wind touched my skin and somehow the coldness of that night made me forget the taste of warmth and comfort. This place seems familiar but somehow I felt lost. I tried to scream but my voice was drowned by the sound of waves and no one was there. I felt scared, lonely and also helpless. But all I can do was just sit and cry..

I never understand

It will never get easier to tell the story

Because everything isn’t real.

I don’t know where to start

I remember I cried under the shower just because I didn’t find any word to begin with..

I’ve been friends with it since I was a teenager.

At certain times it has even become a reflection of my mind. Closer and feel more real than the world I see. It is as if it controls the neuron cells of my brain, turn all the colors into gray, beautiful memories seemed to be locked away, and the volume of voices around me are muted. Only myself. All alone…

Sometimes it visits me without giving a hint of dropping by.

No matter where I am, it has complete control over me.

No matter if I’m alone, with someone I love or even in a crowd of people partying.

Sometimes it came to hold me too tightly until I felt the alveoli in my lungs have difficulty expanding to breathe in the oxygen. It feels so tight and heavy.

Sometimes I want to scream and hope people know. But before I could cry out. It has already whispered, “It’s useless! They won’t understand!” Then I just smiled and laughed continuing the conversation I was having with those next to me.

I never understand

What memory connects it with the view of the beach at night, hearing the sound of the waves while I sit on the rock in the beach and watching the lights dancing on the next island. Somehow, it immediately came as if to hug me tightly when I imagined that kind of situation that have never existed.

I am tired..

Tired of losing control of my own thought. Trying to ask for help but not knowing what is to be helped!? It just feels like drowning, feels stuffy, cold and lonely.

If it feels too real and I can’t take it,

It‘s so difficult for it to let me go.

No matter how good the food is and how much I ate. No matter how many songs I played at karaoke and no matter how beautiful the clothes and make up I bought, the invisible pain doesn’t want to go away.

My tears will come out trying to lighten the burden because of its presence. I would cry all night until my soul have been drained. Crying over sadness without knowing exactly what I’m crying about. All I know is that it is too sad and everything seem so endless.

My comfort zone hugs me, trying to understand what happened while giving a piece of tissue for my tears and I just cry, without speaking a word, just crying…

Keep on crying

Until it, whom I call “loneliness”, left after draining part of my soul.

Even while writing this, it’s like writing a letter inviting it to come to me tonight.

Please don’t come, I need to breathe.