Photo by Charlie Foster on Unsplash

What if

“I need some sleep” I said to him before I left him in the room. He was quiet without a single word. I lied my head on the pillow, tears streaming down. I closed my eyes and pushed my brain to shut down.

My thoughts won’t go away, thousands of “what if” questions played inside my brain. Even closing my eyes were scarier than opening it. I watched him from my bed. He was still in silence.

Marriage is beautiful, but putting together two different thoughts can be tiring sometimes. Sometimes it feels like you’re getting into an endless loop of problems. Sometimes the problem arises not because someone made a mistake, but simply because 2 people are having a bad day and met in a situation where it was impossible to understand each other.

“Calm down.. calm down..” I talked to myself. I tried catch my breath trying to calm myself.

My attempts to stop the chatter in my brain seemed to no avail. My eyes opened to imagine the “What if” question that was passing through my mind. What if the last thing he knew about my feelings for him was I hate him. What if I didn’t have a chance to tell him, I just wanted him to know that I was tired but that didn’t mean I stop loving him.

I decided to sit on the edge of the bed and took a look at him from afar. He was still sitting on the sofa, occasionally using his hands to wipe away his tears. I know he’s also stuck in his thoughts just like me.

I stood up, walked towards him, and sat right beside him.

I told him “I don’t want my last word to be ‘I hate you’”. He looked into my eyes, hugged me, and replied “I love you, I really do”. We both apologized and laughed in tears for our silly fight.

The last thing I remembered, I woke up the next morning and felt so loved.

All the misunderstandings, arguments, every yelling, every drop of tears are exhausting, but somehow it makes our relationship stronger. It makes me realize that every bit of it is worth having as long as I go through it all with someone I love.

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